My first long term relationship was when I was 21 with a wonderful person I met down the pub called Jack. Our first meeting always makes me smile to remember. I went down the pub this particular Saturday night for Karaoke which I loved to do and have quite a good voice even if I do say so myself! I remember it was just after Katie Price and Peter Andre has split up and I was sporting a disastrous fashion choice of a ‘TEAM PRICE’ diamanté top.
I was waiting at the bar and he tapped me on the shoulder thinking I was someone else. Clearly had had a few beers! Then I went to do my song ‘I love rock n roll’ by Joan Jet and my karaoke anthem still do this day. Jack clearly liked what he heard as he came and sat on an seat right in front of me with his mouth open staring at me the whole time which did not make it easy to concentrate and sing! From there we swapped numbers and were pretty much inseparable after that. Our first date was the following weekend and we went to see ‘Twilight New Moon’ quite a girlie film but we loved that set of films and I truly felt he was my Edward and I was his Bella. To this day I struggle to watch those films without feeling sad.
From then on we had a sixth month intense relationship. Staying at each other’s houses every night and I was very close with his family even calling his mum ‘Mum’ as I was not on speaking terms with my own at this point. My fondest memory was how he would get in my car and always swap the cd in my car for the JLS album. Given he was known as loving Nickelback and the like this was our little secret that he had boy bands as a guilty pleasure.
Then at Christmas it all ended. I dislocated my knee and whilst he was amazing looking after me at first his patience ran thin helping me in and out of the car etc. We then had a massive row over Christmas for the life of me I can’t remember details. I just remember having a screaming row on Xmas eve and him throwing my presents at me and walking out. We made up Xmas morning though and he got me a lovely butterfly charm for my Links charm bracelet.
After Christmas he went to visit his Dad in Weston super mare and on his way back we had a huge row. Due to phone signals going down as they often did then at New Year we ended up breaking up on NYE and shortly after then he went to his Dads for several months to live. I also moved back to my hometown and didn’t see him for over a year after that.
Then there were a couple of drunken reunions but he was in a new relationship and due to the upset I had caused his family he always went back to her. My biggest regret in my life so far is breaking up with him.
On 27th May 2011 I saw Jack for the last time. I had just got a new car a blue VW beetle which I was very proud of and I had also secured myself a new job and popped in to see people. I had a drink in the beer garden with Jack. I wanted to stay there with him having fun but I had plans with a friend so I left and went to my friends. I often wonder if I had cancelled on my mate and stayed down there would everything that happened next have still happened? A question I can never answer and it has taken me years to let go of.
The next day Saturday 28th May I was having a lazy afternoon watching DVDs when my mobile kept ringing with several different people contacting me. I didn’t want to speak so kept ignoring it as I was in the middle of watching ‘House of Wax’. Eventually a friend of mine known as ‘Longy’ was the call I answered. His words will haunt me forever and to this day I can’t think of him without remembering that call where he let me know Jack had been killed.
I got so drunk I could barely walk and thank goodness I had a friend who let me stay on her sofa otherwise I would have been stranded. I then spent that whole weekend sat in that pub with everyone else feeling loss, anger, upset and with a constant lump in my throat.
It is of course normal with grief comes depression. From this moment on I was frequently depressed and drank way too much for a year after that. I didn’t eat properly and didn’t look after myself. Having only been to one funeral before then I ended up going to two crematorium services in the space of a month. Jacks funeral song was ‘Jamaican in new York’ based on ‘Englishman in New York’ to this day I can’t hear either version of that song without feeling sick and anxious.
I definitely did a lot of self pitying at this point. Why are people I care about dying and leaving me? Who am I going to lose next? As well as a lot of questions and what ifs had it not happened. It took me a long time to change this to a lesson to learn to live life to the full, to enjoy every moment and not to waste life in bed doing nothing.
I remember jack and think of him a lot. His beautiful blue eyes and cheeky at times camp personality fondly. Every year on that day it’s a tough day but I am forever thankful to have known such an amazing person and a passionate love for someone I never had before.
It’s a test of mental strength which I feel most of the time I have won. To have gone through that and come out stronger I am so proud of myself. It taught me the true value of friendship, appreciating those people who are there for you in life and to live in the moment and cherish each and every memory you make with people.
Here ends another rambling of life as a self confessed ‘crazy’ person.
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