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17 Again

When I was 17 I got kicked out of home. I deserved it and it ended up being the best thing that happened to me in so many ways. I was going back and forth between my parents and playing them against each other and eventually after going out beyond curfew, getting grounded and going out anyway I was told I wasn’t allowed back to my dads. 

I spent a week or so sleeping on a friends floor before my mum found me a room to rent in a village I had never been to before and 15 minutes drive away from both parents houses. I couldn’t drive either and failed my driving test for the third time during my brief stint of being ‘homeless.’ 

I had to grow up very quickly. Responsible for doing my own food shopping and cooking for myself, getting the bus to work on time and cope with being away from family and friends. This was where I first felt depressed. It was tough being out on my own plus being stuck not able to go to friends and family when I wanted. I felt stranded at times that’s for sure. Fortunately I passed my driving test 6 months later. Until then though I had a lot of lonely nights eating a ready meal for one at home watching tv and that’s when I can first recognise the feeling of knots in my stomach and feeling like I hated my life.

I also took a lot of sick days from work because I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed which I now know if depression. I got in a lot of trouble and changed jobs a lot, got sacked from a couple of places for attendance and I had to attend disciplinary meetings often for the same thing. This happened through my life from 18 until I was 28. Twelve years ago mental health wasn’t spoken about, I didn’t know about depression nor did I understand it. 

I made friends by working at my local pub which I can only liken to one of the soap pubs. It was a locals pub everyone knew everyone and gossip and bitchiness was rife. My life revolved around that place for way too long! I think this is where I really learnt how cruel people can be to one another. One girl in particular become arch enemy number one and hating me for some unknown reason. 

She also worked there with me to begin with and started a campaign of hatred and bullying me. I was in tears more than once at the hands of that girl and always felt like I had to try and be better than her and fight for friends. How childish these things seem now. These days whilst I am fiercely about loyalty and friendship I can quite easily remove someone from my life when I feel they don’t make me feel good for being in their company. 

Once I stopped going to this place finally about four years ago my life definitely improved and it for sure made a difference to my mental health. Before this though something happened one day in 2011 which sent me on a downward spiral of self destruct and depression. At 23 I lost someone of the same age in a car accident and it was my first experience of loss and grief and something that has shaped who I am ever since. 

Here ends another rambling of life as a self confessed ‘crazy’ person. 

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