Ramblings of a crazy person

I forever will credit a horse named Senator with ‘saving me’ and changing my life. Less than a month after my dark phase I went with my housemate to her stables and she let me sit on her horse and led me around. I then went home, found Berkshire Riding Centre and booked my first lesson for the next week. I had ridden as a kid but hadn’t been on a horse in over 15 years.  BRC is an incredible place for me. It’s so much more than a riding school it is my family and my escape from the real world. I have made so many friends there who are amazing. I love how I can go there after a crappy day and have a cuddle with a horse and a chat with staff or friends. It’s a truly special place and I can’t imagine life without it now.  Senator was the first horse I rode there and from there I quickly went from one ride per weekend to riding every Saturday and Sunday. Within seven months I was loaning Senator and it was a bond I had never experienced before. He was so cuddly and brought me so m

I managed to get back into my old house share and was back to my pre-mark life. That night though it all caught up with me. I was lying in bed feeling like the darkness was pressing in on me. I was miserable and had that sick feeling in my stomach that you get when you hate your life.  I remember thinking I had enough of feeling like this and I wanted it to stop. I sat down the side of my bed on the floor crying my eyes out with a packet of paracetamol and a packet of ibuprofen and just sat and cried. Something inside of me came to my senses and I ended up ringing Samaritans and talking to them until I calmed down.  That is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and it hit me from no where. I have since learned that PTSD can happen a significant time after a trauma as the body’s response when it struggles to process events that have happened. I hope to never get to that point in my life again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through with anything anyway but I don’t want to

I have always loved love and dream of the fairy tale happily ever after, quite possibly watched one too many Jennifer Aniston movies! So when a guy came along to seemingly promise me everything I wanted I was so blinded by love I didn’t see the warning signs. And it ended up taking me to the darkest place I have ever been in my life.   I met Mark on a night out with a guy I was dating. We met in the smoking area (So romantic!!) and were talking about football as we were all football fans. He was on a night out with his mate as well and we ended up sitting drinking together for the rest of the evening. From then on we were inseparable. He had a girlfriend who was lovely and so we were a foursome.  However on a night out the guy I was dating turned creepy after one too many drinks and I ended up leaving him there and mark having to take me to collect my stuff from the guys house the next day. So we became a group of three: me, Mark and his girlfriend.  Now I know I shouldn’