Pregnancy loss is something which women are made to feel is a taboo subject to discuss openly. In this day and age of being told the importance of being open around mental health I think that something which affects mental health so much should be openly discussed. So here I am today writing about the losses I have suffered this year in the hope it helps others find strength and that this should not be something that should be made to feel like a shameful secret.
Before I met Jack, I had decided I didn't want kids. On our first date I told him so and that I was a career woman. He also told me he didn't want marriage. Fast forward 10 months and we were engaged and trying for a baby. My parents divorced when I was so young, I now dreamed of my own little family around the tree at Christmas and making our own family traditions.
I first found out I was pregnant in February but sadly within a week I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. It is when a miscarriage occurs early in pregnancy usually within the first five weeks. Most people wouldn't know they were pregnant but with tests in this day and age picking up positive results so early it is becoming more common. For this reason when I started bleeding we went to hospital to sit for 10 hours to be told my HCG hormone levels were so low that I was not showing any sign of being pregnant despite positive tests the previous Saturday and again on the Tuesday. It was a very confusing feeling to be told you had no signs of pregnancy despite having positive tests and I even had some nausea and exhaustion. typical early pregnancy symptoms.
The following few weeks were a complete wave of emotions. Trying to carry on with life and normal day to day work and activities when to be quite honest I didn't care about any of it and just felt anger that this had happened to us. To feel robbed of a chance to be parents when we had been so excited, reading baby books and talking names all week.
We decided that the best way to move on was to get straight back to it and try again and surely enough I fell pregnant again the following month. It is said that after a pregnancy no matter how short you are extremely fertile due to the hormones and the body having started to prepare for the previous pregnancy.
It was a very mixed feeling of emotions the day I took the test. Jack was at work and something compelled me. I fell to my knees shaking starting at the faint lines as they darkened. I was excited, scared, anxious, worried, happy all in one go. At first I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up and carried on as normal. However within a few days the excitement came back. I had my GP do a HCG test and the result was over 1000 meaning it had attached and I felt like I could relax. Oh how wrong I was!
To ease my anxiety and because I am extremely inpatient, I booked a private scan for bang on 6 weeks, the earliest they will do a scan. We drove there so excited to hope to see our little beans heart beating for the first time. When we were in the room we were warned that it is quite common for them to not see anything and being too soon and if that happened we would be referred to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital and this was quite common. This ended up being the case. We left feeling extremely confused. Why couldn't they see anything? Was it happening again? Or was it just too soon?
We only had to wait from that Saturday until the Monday morning to be seen by the EPU at our local hospital. By that point we had convinced ourselves it had been too soon and everything would be fine. The Sonographer found something very quickly and then informed us it wasn't in the right place before leaving the room to get someone else to come and see. My heart dropped to my stomach and I burst into tears. How could this happen yet again? What is wrong with me to have two failed pregnancies in a row.
What followed was a day of doctors coming to see me, a further scan to confirm and then to be told I would have to have surgery. I had never stayed in hospital before and never had surgery so this was scary in itself. I ended up staying in for two nights in a quiet little ward. It all happened so quickly and I was so terrified of the prospect of surgery that the pregnancy loss didn't hit until after when I was home.
I had a rare type of ectopic called a Cornual ectopic pregnancy where the egg implants on the corner of the tube and the uterus. This type of ectopic only happens in 2% of ectopic pregnancies. The solution was keyhole surgery to remove the pregnancy and my fallopian tube. The ovary would be left and apparently the other tube can still pick an egg from it. It will only affect my overall fertility by 1% however it doubles my chance of an ectopic happening again. I was sent home the following day with two keyhole cuts, a cut in my belly button from the camera and fragmin to inject for 10 days to prevent blood clots which I hate doing. It stings and is giving me small black bruises all over my thighs!
Now one week post surgery, my body is healing but the mental side of things is starting to hit me. I am starting to process the loss of a baby we wanted so much. I am trying to deal with the dream of having a baby this christmas being shattered. For this to happen at such a difficult time in the world with COVID 19 going on is also tough. My friends and family cant come and see me and be my support network. I can't go to the stables and see horses which is my number one way of coping with depression.
So in the space of one month I have gone from having everything we could have ever dreamed of to losing our baby, having our wedding cancelled, my easter trip to my family also put on hold. It honestly feels like someone has given us everything and then changed their minds.
I have been told to wait six months before trying again which is also something hard to accept. I am the most impatient person and to be told to put our dreams on hold for six months feels like a lifetime.
For now I must carry on with my life. Get back to 'normal.' Except I am finding it really hard to understand what 'normal' is right now. I guess this is a process and it takes time. I really hope that by sharing my experience it can help to break the taboo of talking about this stuff. I should not feel shame for what I have been through and it is in no way my fault. I have to believe our time to be parents will come when it is supposed to.
My tattoo on my arm reads 'Nothing happens by chance' in Portuguese. I keep repeating it to myself. Things will happen when they are supposed to. Hopefully when the world is a safer place again.
Thank you for reading what is a sensitive ramble. Xx
Before I met Jack, I had decided I didn't want kids. On our first date I told him so and that I was a career woman. He also told me he didn't want marriage. Fast forward 10 months and we were engaged and trying for a baby. My parents divorced when I was so young, I now dreamed of my own little family around the tree at Christmas and making our own family traditions.
I first found out I was pregnant in February but sadly within a week I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. It is when a miscarriage occurs early in pregnancy usually within the first five weeks. Most people wouldn't know they were pregnant but with tests in this day and age picking up positive results so early it is becoming more common. For this reason when I started bleeding we went to hospital to sit for 10 hours to be told my HCG hormone levels were so low that I was not showing any sign of being pregnant despite positive tests the previous Saturday and again on the Tuesday. It was a very confusing feeling to be told you had no signs of pregnancy despite having positive tests and I even had some nausea and exhaustion. typical early pregnancy symptoms.
The following few weeks were a complete wave of emotions. Trying to carry on with life and normal day to day work and activities when to be quite honest I didn't care about any of it and just felt anger that this had happened to us. To feel robbed of a chance to be parents when we had been so excited, reading baby books and talking names all week.
We decided that the best way to move on was to get straight back to it and try again and surely enough I fell pregnant again the following month. It is said that after a pregnancy no matter how short you are extremely fertile due to the hormones and the body having started to prepare for the previous pregnancy.
It was a very mixed feeling of emotions the day I took the test. Jack was at work and something compelled me. I fell to my knees shaking starting at the faint lines as they darkened. I was excited, scared, anxious, worried, happy all in one go. At first I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up and carried on as normal. However within a few days the excitement came back. I had my GP do a HCG test and the result was over 1000 meaning it had attached and I felt like I could relax. Oh how wrong I was!
To ease my anxiety and because I am extremely inpatient, I booked a private scan for bang on 6 weeks, the earliest they will do a scan. We drove there so excited to hope to see our little beans heart beating for the first time. When we were in the room we were warned that it is quite common for them to not see anything and being too soon and if that happened we would be referred to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital and this was quite common. This ended up being the case. We left feeling extremely confused. Why couldn't they see anything? Was it happening again? Or was it just too soon?
We only had to wait from that Saturday until the Monday morning to be seen by the EPU at our local hospital. By that point we had convinced ourselves it had been too soon and everything would be fine. The Sonographer found something very quickly and then informed us it wasn't in the right place before leaving the room to get someone else to come and see. My heart dropped to my stomach and I burst into tears. How could this happen yet again? What is wrong with me to have two failed pregnancies in a row.
What followed was a day of doctors coming to see me, a further scan to confirm and then to be told I would have to have surgery. I had never stayed in hospital before and never had surgery so this was scary in itself. I ended up staying in for two nights in a quiet little ward. It all happened so quickly and I was so terrified of the prospect of surgery that the pregnancy loss didn't hit until after when I was home.
I had a rare type of ectopic called a Cornual ectopic pregnancy where the egg implants on the corner of the tube and the uterus. This type of ectopic only happens in 2% of ectopic pregnancies. The solution was keyhole surgery to remove the pregnancy and my fallopian tube. The ovary would be left and apparently the other tube can still pick an egg from it. It will only affect my overall fertility by 1% however it doubles my chance of an ectopic happening again. I was sent home the following day with two keyhole cuts, a cut in my belly button from the camera and fragmin to inject for 10 days to prevent blood clots which I hate doing. It stings and is giving me small black bruises all over my thighs!
Now one week post surgery, my body is healing but the mental side of things is starting to hit me. I am starting to process the loss of a baby we wanted so much. I am trying to deal with the dream of having a baby this christmas being shattered. For this to happen at such a difficult time in the world with COVID 19 going on is also tough. My friends and family cant come and see me and be my support network. I can't go to the stables and see horses which is my number one way of coping with depression.
So in the space of one month I have gone from having everything we could have ever dreamed of to losing our baby, having our wedding cancelled, my easter trip to my family also put on hold. It honestly feels like someone has given us everything and then changed their minds.
I have been told to wait six months before trying again which is also something hard to accept. I am the most impatient person and to be told to put our dreams on hold for six months feels like a lifetime.
For now I must carry on with my life. Get back to 'normal.' Except I am finding it really hard to understand what 'normal' is right now. I guess this is a process and it takes time. I really hope that by sharing my experience it can help to break the taboo of talking about this stuff. I should not feel shame for what I have been through and it is in no way my fault. I have to believe our time to be parents will come when it is supposed to.
My tattoo on my arm reads 'Nothing happens by chance' in Portuguese. I keep repeating it to myself. Things will happen when they are supposed to. Hopefully when the world is a safer place again.
Thank you for reading what is a sensitive ramble. Xx
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