Ramblings of a crazy person

I forever will credit a horse named Senator with ‘saving me’ and changing my life. Less than a month after my dark phase I went with my housemate to her stables and she let me sit on her horse and led me around. I then went home, found Berkshire Riding Centre and booked my first lesson for the next week. I had ridden as a kid but hadn’t been on a horse in over 15 years.  BRC is an incredible place for me. It’s so much more than a riding school it is my family and my escape from the real world. I have made so many friends there who are amazing. I love how I can go there after a crappy day and have a cuddle with a horse and a chat with staff or friends. It’s a truly special place and I can’t imagine life without it now.  Senator was the first horse I rode there and from there I quickly went from one ride per weekend to riding every Saturday and Sunday. Within seven months I was loaning Senator and it was a bond I had never experienced before. He was so cuddly and brough...

I managed to get back into my old house share and was back to my pre-mark life. That night though it all caught up with me. I was lying in bed feeling like the darkness was pressing in on me. I was miserable and had that sick feeling in my stomach that you get when you hate your life.  I remember thinking I had enough of feeling like this and I wanted it to stop. I sat down the side of my bed on the floor crying my eyes out with a packet of paracetamol and a packet of ibuprofen and just sat and cried. Something inside of me came to my senses and I ended up ringing Samaritans and talking to them until I calmed down.  That is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and it hit me from no where. I have since learned that PTSD can happen a significant time after a trauma as the body’s response when it struggles to process events that have happened. I hope to never get to that point in my life again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through with anything anyway but I don’...

I have always loved love and dream of the fairy tale happily ever after, quite possibly watched one too many Jennifer Aniston movies! So when a guy came along to seemingly promise me everything I wanted I was so blinded by love I didn’t see the warning signs. And it ended up taking me to the darkest place I have ever been in my life.   I met Mark on a night out with a guy I was dating. We met in the smoking area (So romantic!!) and were talking about football as we were all football fans. He was on a night out with his mate as well and we ended up sitting drinking together for the rest of the evening. From then on we were inseparable. He had a girlfriend who was lovely and so we were a foursome.  However on a night out the guy I was dating turned creepy after one too many drinks and I ended up leaving him there and mark having to take me to collect my stuff from the guys house the next day. So we became a group of three: me, Mark and his girlfriend.  Now I k...

Let’s take a break from my story. I want to share my thoughts, feelings and advice on managing mental health. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD from an abusive relationship and I am pretty bloody good at managing everything so that it doesn’t affect my life too much.  A mental health diagnosis does not have to be everything in your life, it doesn’t have to be something you can’t control. After my biggest depressive episode to date back in 2015 (more on this later!) someone said something to me which changed my whole thought process on mental health.  I had a disciplinary at work due to having so much time off for mental health and so I wasn’t supposed to take any days off for the next few months. My response was ‘what about when this happens again?’ To which my boss replied why does it have to happen again. I realised then you don’t have to wait for lows to happen and sit in them. You make an effort to make changes in your life to prevent it....

My first long term relationship was when I was 21 with a wonderful person I met down the pub called Jack. Our first meeting always makes me smile to remember. I went down the pub this particular Saturday night for Karaoke which I loved to do and have quite a good voice even if I do say so myself! I remember it was just after Katie Price and Peter Andre has split up and I was sporting a disastrous fashion choice of a ‘TEAM PRICE’ diamanté top.  I was waiting at the bar and he tapped me on the shoulder thinking I was someone else. Clearly had had a few beers! Then I went to do my song ‘I love rock n roll’ by Joan Jet and my karaoke anthem still do this day. Jack clearly liked what he heard as he came and sat on an seat right in front of me with his mouth open staring at me the whole time which did not make it easy to concentrate and sing! From there we swapped numbers and were pretty much inseparable after that. Our first date was the following weekend and we went to see ‘Twilig...

When I was 17 I got kicked out of home. I deserved it and it ended up being the best thing that happened to me in so many ways. I was going back and forth between my parents and playing them against each other and eventually after going out beyond curfew, getting grounded and going out anyway I was told I wasn’t allowed back to my dads.  I spent a week or so sleeping on a friends floor before my mum found me a room to rent in a village I had never been to before and 15 minutes drive away from both parents houses. I couldn’t drive either and failed my driving test for the third time during my brief stint of being ‘homeless.’  I had to grow up very quickly. Responsible for doing my own food shopping and cooking for myself, getting the bus to work on time and cope with being away from family and friends. This was where I first felt depressed. It was tough being out on my own plus being stuck not able to go to friends and family when I wanted. I felt stranded at times tha...

My first Saturday job was at my local supermarket and I was paid £2.35 an hour and I loved having some independence and earning my own money. My first big purchase which took me weeks to save for was my first pair of GHD straighteners. Something I still use religiously today to the disgust of my hairdresser who tuts at the frazzled bits every time I see him! After that I went to work in the restaurant in the theatre next to my Mums house. My hourly rate went up to over £4 an hour there I thought my luck was in! I enjoyed the work more as well waiting on tables before they went into a show and helping with catering functions such as christenings too. Those were great one of them I got a £50 tip which was a huge amount of money to a 15 year old! Here however is where I met someone whose actions still affect me to this day. I am not going to go into full explicit details but it is part of my story.  One hot Saturday afternoon I had been working a function and hadn’t eaten...

I don’t want pity. I am not writing this to gain sympathy or to have a moan. I decided to start writing a blog as a way to get my feelings around mental health and my own mental health experiences out of my jumbled busy head and onto paper. I hope it will help me make sense of my mental health, the reasons I sometimes struggle and to help me appreciate what a strong and incredible person I am today.   So let’s start at the beginning, a very good place to start.  My childhood was interesting to say the least and is definitely where I went from being normal to crazy! My parents divorced when I was 3 and my dad started a new relationship with a family friend and today I can say I feel this was the best thing my Dad ever did as my Stepmum is awesome and their marriage is something I aspire to have one day. However at the time it was very confusing for me. I was one of only two kids that I can remember in my primary school who had divorced parents, alternate weekends with ...