I managed to get back into my old house share and was back to my pre-mark life. That night though it all caught up with me. I was lying in bed feeling like the darkness was pressing in on me. I was miserable and had that sick feeling in my stomach that you get when you hate your life.
I remember thinking I had enough of feeling like this and I wanted it to stop. I sat down the side of my bed on the floor crying my eyes out with a packet of paracetamol and a packet of ibuprofen and just sat and cried. Something inside of me came to my senses and I ended up ringing Samaritans and talking to them until I calmed down.
That is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and it hit me from no where. I have since learned that PTSD can happen a significant time after a trauma as the body’s response when it struggles to process events that have happened. I hope to never get to that point in my life again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through with anything anyway but I don’t want to be sat considering it again if I can help it.
The next morning I went to the dr, got anti depressants and anxiety tablets and was signed off work until the new year. My company was amazing and the hr lady got me sorted with private counselling which took me a while to go to and see the benefits. Then I started to make changes to my life and I found horses and ever since then I have worked so hard to manage my mental health. I do not use it as an excuse and I don’t wait to have a depressive episode. I do what I can to prevent it. I spent a year on tablets and coming off them was no fun! If I can help it I never want to go back on anti depressants. They help to even out your emotions and thoughts but they do not solve the cause of the problem. That takes hard work. Now let’s talk my life with horses...
Here ends another rambling of life as a self confessed ‘crazy’ person.
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