Ramblings of a crazy person

Meeting the love of my life the day I lost Toro was an incredible thing in both ways. I completely believe everything happens for a reason and that day that was so true. I always tell Jack that he was the shining light that found me on my darkest day.  I went to the pub after saying my goodbyes with a couple of friends because I didn’t want to go home and be alone. It was late May bank holiday and we were sitting on a bench outside. This scruffy guy came up and said excuse me I thought he was going to ask for a lighter or something but he asked for my number.  This has never happened to me in my life before! I was a little unsure but hesitantly gave him my number. Then when I asked him his name and he said Jack that was the first coincidence. The day after was the 8th anniversary of my old boyfriend Jacks death so that was a sign.  Since then another coincidence in our relationship was that morning before I said goodbye to Toro I went on a hack in Windsor gre...

This blog entry has taken me 6 months to be able to face writing it because it was the toughest thing I have been through.  I remember when toro arrived at the yard back in 2018. He was a retired polo pony who had been put out in a field for winter. He was overweight, unclipped and fluffy and had a look like a rabbit in the headlights all the time. I think that’s what started the bond because at that time we were both so lost in life though I didn’t know it at the time.  I spent time with him in the stable for a few months before I rode him. Grooming him as his fur all moulted out and found he was such a calm old boy but a worrier who would jump at everything. He couldn’t trot when he came as they don’t trot in polo so I had to wait a while before I got to actually ride him.  The first time I rode him I instantly fell in love. He was so easy. Over the months we built our confidence together and I got him into dressage competing in online dressage competitions...

I forever will credit a horse named Senator with ‘saving me’ and changing my life. Less than a month after my dark phase I went with my housemate to her stables and she let me sit on her horse and led me around. I then went home, found Berkshire Riding Centre and booked my first lesson for the next week. I had ridden as a kid but hadn’t been on a horse in over 15 years.  BRC is an incredible place for me. It’s so much more than a riding school it is my family and my escape from the real world. I have made so many friends there who are amazing. I love how I can go there after a crappy day and have a cuddle with a horse and a chat with staff or friends. It’s a truly special place and I can’t imagine life without it now.  Senator was the first horse I rode there and from there I quickly went from one ride per weekend to riding every Saturday and Sunday. Within seven months I was loaning Senator and it was a bond I had never experienced before. He was so cuddly and brough...

I managed to get back into my old house share and was back to my pre-mark life. That night though it all caught up with me. I was lying in bed feeling like the darkness was pressing in on me. I was miserable and had that sick feeling in my stomach that you get when you hate your life.  I remember thinking I had enough of feeling like this and I wanted it to stop. I sat down the side of my bed on the floor crying my eyes out with a packet of paracetamol and a packet of ibuprofen and just sat and cried. Something inside of me came to my senses and I ended up ringing Samaritans and talking to them until I calmed down.  That is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and it hit me from no where. I have since learned that PTSD can happen a significant time after a trauma as the body’s response when it struggles to process events that have happened. I hope to never get to that point in my life again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through with anything anyway but I don’...

I have always loved love and dream of the fairy tale happily ever after, quite possibly watched one too many Jennifer Aniston movies! So when a guy came along to seemingly promise me everything I wanted I was so blinded by love I didn’t see the warning signs. And it ended up taking me to the darkest place I have ever been in my life.   I met Mark on a night out with a guy I was dating. We met in the smoking area (So romantic!!) and were talking about football as we were all football fans. He was on a night out with his mate as well and we ended up sitting drinking together for the rest of the evening. From then on we were inseparable. He had a girlfriend who was lovely and so we were a foursome.  However on a night out the guy I was dating turned creepy after one too many drinks and I ended up leaving him there and mark having to take me to collect my stuff from the guys house the next day. So we became a group of three: me, Mark and his girlfriend.  Now I k...

Let’s take a break from my story. I want to share my thoughts, feelings and advice on managing mental health. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD from an abusive relationship and I am pretty bloody good at managing everything so that it doesn’t affect my life too much.  A mental health diagnosis does not have to be everything in your life, it doesn’t have to be something you can’t control. After my biggest depressive episode to date back in 2015 (more on this later!) someone said something to me which changed my whole thought process on mental health.  I had a disciplinary at work due to having so much time off for mental health and so I wasn’t supposed to take any days off for the next few months. My response was ‘what about when this happens again?’ To which my boss replied why does it have to happen again. I realised then you don’t have to wait for lows to happen and sit in them. You make an effort to make changes in your life to prevent it....

My first long term relationship was when I was 21 with a wonderful person I met down the pub called Jack. Our first meeting always makes me smile to remember. I went down the pub this particular Saturday night for Karaoke which I loved to do and have quite a good voice even if I do say so myself! I remember it was just after Katie Price and Peter Andre has split up and I was sporting a disastrous fashion choice of a ‘TEAM PRICE’ diamanté top.  I was waiting at the bar and he tapped me on the shoulder thinking I was someone else. Clearly had had a few beers! Then I went to do my song ‘I love rock n roll’ by Joan Jet and my karaoke anthem still do this day. Jack clearly liked what he heard as he came and sat on an seat right in front of me with his mouth open staring at me the whole time which did not make it easy to concentrate and sing! From there we swapped numbers and were pretty much inseparable after that. Our first date was the following weekend and we went to see ‘Twilig...