Ramblings of a crazy person

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Breaking the taboo of talking pregnancy loss

Pregnancy loss is something which women are made to feel is a taboo subject to discuss openly. In this day and age of being told the importance of being open around mental health I think that something which affects mental health so much should be openly discussed. So here I am today writing about the losses I have suffered this year in the hope it helps others find strength and that this should not be something that should be made to feel like a shameful secret. Before I met Jack, I had decided I didn't want kids. On our first date I told him so and that I was a career woman. He also told me he didn't want marriage. Fast forward 10 months and we were engaged and trying for a baby. My parents divorced when I was so young, I now dreamed of my own little family around the tree at Christmas and making our own family traditions. I first found out I was pregnant in February but sadly within a week I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. It is when a miscarriage occurs early i

Anxiety 101

I have suffered with anxiety for the last five years. I don’t remember ever having it before then. I used to worry a lot less about small things than I do now. I have used anxiety medication twice in the last few years at times when it was uncontrollable. These days it is a lot better but I have had to find ways to keep calm and relaxed and help keep the anxiety away. I have my favourite music playlist which empowers me to go out and face life. I also have a lot of baths by candlelight! That is my favourite way to relax. And with Big Bang theory on the iPad so I can lie there and relax. Jack is amazing at knowing when I am stressed and running me a bath, lighting the candles and putting a drink on the side for me to take some time to myself and let it go. In have in recent weeks also found yoga. I did a trial session last year at champneys and found it amazing for slowing the mind down and encouraging mindfulness which is focusing in the moment and not on other things.

Finding my place in life

Meeting the love of my life the day I lost Toro was an incredible thing in both ways. I completely believe everything happens for a reason and that day that was so true. I always tell Jack that he was the shining light that found me on my darkest day. I went to the pub after saying my goodbyes with a couple of friends because I didn’t want to go home and be alone. It was late May bank holiday and we were sitting on a bench outside. This scruffy guy came up and said excuse me I thought he was going to ask for a lighter or something but he asked for my number. This has never happened to me in my life before! I was a little unsure but hesitantly gave him my number. Then when I asked him his name and he said Jack that was the first coincidence. The day after was the 8th anniversary of my old boyfriend Jacks death so that was a sign. Since then another coincidence in our relationship was that morning before I said goodbye to Toro I went on a hack in Windsor great park. Jack

Toro

This blog entry has taken me 6 months to be able to face writing it because it was the toughest thing I have been through. I remember when toro arrived at the yard back in 2018. He was a retired polo pony who had been put out in a field for winter. He was overweight, unclipped and fluffy and had a look like a rabbit in the headlights all the time. I think that’s what started the bond because at that time we were both so lost in life though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent time with him in the stable for a few months before I rode him. Grooming him as his fur all moulted out and found he was such a calm old boy but a worrier who would jump at everything. He couldn’t trot when he came as they don’t trot in polo so I had to wait a while before I got to actually ride him. The first time I rode him I instantly fell in love. He was so easy. Over the months we built our confidence together and I got him into dressage competing in online dressage competitions and he would

How a horse saved my life

I forever will credit a horse named Senator with ‘saving me’ and changing my life. Less than a month after my dark phase I went with my housemate to her stables and she let me sit on her horse and led me around. I then went home, found Berkshire Riding Centre and booked my first lesson for the next week. I had ridden as a kid but hadn’t been on a horse in over 15 years. BRC is an incredible place for me. It’s so much more than a riding school it is my family and my escape from the real world. I have made so many friends there who are amazing. I love how I can go there after a crappy day and have a cuddle with a horse and a chat with staff or friends. It’s a truly special place and I can’t imagine life without it now. Senator was the first horse I rode there and from there I quickly went from one ride per weekend to riding every Saturday and Sunday. Within seven months I was loaning Senator and it was a bond I had never experienced before. He was so cuddly and brought me so m

PTSD isn’t just for soldiers...

I managed to get back into my old house share and was back to my pre-mark life. That night though it all caught up with me. I was lying in bed feeling like the darkness was pressing in on me. I was miserable and had that sick feeling in my stomach that you get when you hate your life. I remember thinking I had enough of feeling like this and I wanted it to stop. I sat down the side of my bed on the floor crying my eyes out with a packet of paracetamol and a packet of ibuprofen and just sat and cried. Something inside of me came to my senses and I ended up ringing Samaritans and talking to them until I calmed down. That is the lowest I have ever felt in my life and it hit me from no where. I have since learned that PTSD can happen a significant time after a trauma as the body’s response when it struggles to process events that have happened. I hope to never get to that point in my life again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through with anything anyway but I don’t want to