Ramblings of a crazy person

I think I may have truly lived up to the name of this blog in August! Not only did I get married in lockdown but I also decided to give myself a running challenge to fundraise for the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust at the same time! all whilst there was a heat wave which meant I lost a week of running time as well. After suffering my ectopic pregnancy back in March, I went looking for further information on it as its something you never think will happen when you fall pregnant and I had so many questions and thats when I found the EPT. Their website was full of useful information on recovery, how your fertility is affected and lots of inspiring stories from others who have been through the same thing.  Also as part of my recovery I decided to get running and completed the Couch to 5K running app. Due to lockdown exercise options were limited and I found the endorphins from running really helped my mental health. Jack says I am always much happier on days that I run compared to days when I...

Pregnancy loss is something which women are made to feel is a taboo subject to discuss openly. In this day and age of being told the importance of being open around mental health I think that something which affects mental health so much should be openly discussed. So here I am today writing about the losses I have suffered this year in the hope it helps others find strength and that this should not be something that should be made to feel like a shameful secret. Before I met Jack, I had decided I didn't want kids. On our first date I told him so and that I was a career woman. He also told me he didn't want marriage. Fast forward 10 months and we were engaged and trying for a baby. My parents divorced when I was so young, I now dreamed of my own little family around the tree at Christmas and making our own family traditions. I first found out I was pregnant in February but sadly within a week I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. It is when a miscarriage occurs early i...

I have suffered with anxiety for the last five years. I don’t remember ever having it before then. I used to worry a lot less about small things than I do now. I have used anxiety medication twice in the last few years at times when it was uncontrollable.  These days it is a lot better but I have had to find ways to keep calm and relaxed and help keep the anxiety away. I have my favourite music playlist which empowers me to go out and face life.  I also have a lot of baths by candlelight! That is my favourite way to relax. And with Big Bang theory on the iPad so I can lie there and relax. Jack is amazing at knowing when I am stressed and running me a bath, lighting the candles and putting a drink on the side for me to take some time to myself and let it go.  In have in recent weeks also found yoga. I did a trial session last year at champneys and found it amazing for slowing the mind down and encouraging mindfulness which is focusing in the moment and not on ...

Meeting the love of my life the day I lost Toro was an incredible thing in both ways. I completely believe everything happens for a reason and that day that was so true. I always tell Jack that he was the shining light that found me on my darkest day.  I went to the pub after saying my goodbyes with a couple of friends because I didn’t want to go home and be alone. It was late May bank holiday and we were sitting on a bench outside. This scruffy guy came up and said excuse me I thought he was going to ask for a lighter or something but he asked for my number.  This has never happened to me in my life before! I was a little unsure but hesitantly gave him my number. Then when I asked him his name and he said Jack that was the first coincidence. The day after was the 8th anniversary of my old boyfriend Jacks death so that was a sign.  Since then another coincidence in our relationship was that morning before I said goodbye to Toro I went on a hack in Windsor gre...

This blog entry has taken me 6 months to be able to face writing it because it was the toughest thing I have been through.  I remember when toro arrived at the yard back in 2018. He was a retired polo pony who had been put out in a field for winter. He was overweight, unclipped and fluffy and had a look like a rabbit in the headlights all the time. I think that’s what started the bond because at that time we were both so lost in life though I didn’t know it at the time.  I spent time with him in the stable for a few months before I rode him. Grooming him as his fur all moulted out and found he was such a calm old boy but a worrier who would jump at everything. He couldn’t trot when he came as they don’t trot in polo so I had to wait a while before I got to actually ride him.  The first time I rode him I instantly fell in love. He was so easy. Over the months we built our confidence together and I got him into dressage competing in online dressage competitions...